rules for barking

by Jackson

1. When my human opens the back door and I burst into the back yard, I must joyfully bark three times in rapid succession as I bound across the patio towards the grass.
2. If any neighborhood dogs bark an alarm bark within my earshot, I must bark.
3. If any neighborhood dogs bark a joyful bark within my earshot, I may choose whether or not to bark.
4. If my human asks, "Are you hungry?", I must bark wildly and joyfully while running in chaotic circles.
5. If Priscilla sounds a low "ruff" upon hearing an unidentifiable sound while my human is trying to go to sleep, I must immediately respond with my own "ruff" while joining her in staring down the dark hall at possible intruders.
6. If I am inside and my human turns off the alarm system, thereby signalling her return to the territory, I must bark with abandon until she opens the front door.
7. If my human asks, "Are you going to go get it?" while holding any of my toys in the air, I must bark wildly and joyfully while running in the direction I believe she will be throwing it.
8. When the doorbell rings, I must join Priscilla in barking a warning at any human who wishes to enter. Barking must continue until introductions or greetings have been completed and only if trust is established. We mean business.
9. I must bark any time I am startled.
10. If the garbage or recycle truck engines are heard, I must bark furiously.
11. I reserve my most vicious barks for the mailman. I plan to bite him some day.
12. When my human's male friend visits, I bark my most joyful barks. He is clearly the Alpha male in our pack. If I ingratiate myself to him, he might let me stay.