the gate

 We've known each other for FIFTY YEARS. Sometimes we're on. Sometimes we're off. He married someone else. Then I married someone else. Then I divorced. Then he divorced. Then we were together. Then he married someone else. Then he divorced. Then we were together again. Then I met someone else. Then he met someone else. Now we're together again. Obviously, we're weirdos.

This morning, as he was arriving for his third week on a new job, he said, "You should see the security gate at my new job. I'll take a picture of it to show you."

I said, "No, you will NOT take a picture of the security gate." He asked why. "Because if they have a break-in, they'll look at the surveillance tapes and see you taking a picture of the gate. Next thing you know, you're in a basement room at the police station being interrogated."

WHY WERE YOU TAKING PICTURES OF THE SECURITY GATE? DID YOU STUDY THE GATE TO SEE HOW TO GET IN? WERE YOU PART OF THE BREAK-IN? WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE STOLEN COMPUTERS? TELL US THE TRUTH!!!

"Then you'd tell them that you were just taking a picture to send to your girlfriend."

OH, SO YOU HAVE AN ACCOMPLICE!!! TELL US WHO SHE IS!

"They'd snatch your phone and see it was me. Then I'd have cops knocking on my door."

COULD YOU STEP OUTSIDE, MA'AM?

"My 11 pound chiweenie, who has never had any ability to judge when to back off, would go in for the kill. The police would open fire to try to stop her, with every shot missing because she's too quick. But then I would need to defend her, so I would grab cans of soup that I bought to eat when I run out of stuff that I actually do want to eat. I would pelt the officers with my cans of soup. I would eventually get arrested and jailed, wearing either orange, which does NOT look good on me, or horizontal black and white stripes, which don't look good on anyone except girls who wear size 00."

"Girl, you are nuts. Nobody is going to do all of that because I took a picture of the gate."

"You know the first thing they'd serve me in prison? Tomato soup. I'd tell the guards Y'ALL THINK Y'ALL ARE FUNNY and I would throw the tomato soup. Now I'm in solitary confinement wearing an unflattering jumpsuit stained with tomato soup. All because you just HAD to take that picture!"

"I swear to God, you make me laugh so hard. I will NOT take a picture of that gate."

"You certainly won't. I love you, but not enough to go to prison for you."

"I love you, too, crazy girl."