out of sorts

I'm a little out of sorts this week as I try to deal with competing emotions. I'm trying to allow myself to feel all of them, but I am quite a champion at avoiding feeling emotions!

I am feeling fear and dread because I can't seem to locate my beloved brother. I've been trying for weeks but only became concerned on Monday when I called him at his work number. His home voicemail being full and his home email box being full just said "brother too lazy to deal with clearing out messages". But finding out that the business he worked for had been sold and that he no longer worked there scared me. If all of my avenues of communication are broken, that leaves my imagination to work overtime. I sent him a letter and will call the police if I do not hear from him by Tuesday. (My father also sent him a letter, registered, signature required.)

While I was trying to track down my brother, I found out that his former life partner had died several years ago. I don't know if my brother even knew this. It seems odd that he wouldn't have told us.

More bad news came with the diagnosis of prostate cancer for my brother-in-law. He is only 48, so this news is frightening. He had a bone scan on Friday, but we will not have the results for several days.

This week also brought a new job offer from my company. I've been named Campus President for our campus in Memphis, Tennessee. I will work in Phoenix for the next three weeks, then move to Memphis and begin work there on 7/21/08. This is extremely happy and exciting news! So I have been wanting to feel celebratory, but with the triple bad news, I am not up for it!

Leaving Phoenix also means leaving my sweetheart. This is probably also contributing to my inability to celebrate. He will have to make his own decision about whether to stay in Phoenix or go with me to Memphis. He has to weigh everything out. Knowing this does not make it easier to handle!

So much is out of my control, which is a hard thing for me to accept. I want to take action of some kind to resolve all of these unanswered questions! But there is really only waiting to be done here. Oh my, waiting is so hard for me!!!